On Not Being a Dalek

It is a mistake to think that you can control people. Realize this, and you will have seen the fallacy underlying neo-conservative politics and countless unwise parenting and relationship choices.

It's not just a matter of having insufficient force, though that is the idea that baits the Dalek trap. The problem is that people are chaotic systems. They react non-linearly to stimulus. A small nudge here might produce a gigantic reaction there while a massive clampdown might produce a stubborn lack of any reaction at all. This is easiest to see in children but is true, I think, for all. It's just that as adults we grow used to the patterns of our embedded culture and we stop noticing because we too are reacting in similar strange patterns. Embed yourself in someone else's culture, however, and the chaos will become more obvious.

Still even chaotic systems can contain patterns. The best that we can hope for as parents or lovers or artists or diplomats is to act as a sort of attractor, providing little nudges toward the desired still point and applying tremendous patience. The art of parenting and the art of politics is the art of the soft touch. It is the art of nodding subtly to the door and waiting for the other to take a step in that direction.

It is usually impatience that drives us to control others directly. Efficiency and the dangerous idea that sufficient force (and/or the power of our obviously 'right' view) can eradicate free will leads us to try and cut corners, to enact a hard limit when a soft one would be wiser. The problem with taking the hard line and backing someone into a corner is that they may chose to hurt themselves just to spite you. In toddlers we call this a tantrum. In Iraq we call it an "insurgency". In Israel we call it a suicide bomb. The effect is the same. Give someone no options but to obey you and they may decide just to lash out insensibly instead. When we feel we have no choice, we get desperate, and desperate people are angry and have nothing to lose. Faith in this philosophy leads inevitably to frustration, violence, paranoia, and ultimately, if not checked, to the xenophobic need to exterminate all that is other.

While it may seem wasteful, patience and generosity generally seem to be more efficient in the long-term than direct blunt action, no matter how well intentioned. "Softly, softly" should be out motto. Borrowing from the Hippocratic Oath we should remember to "first do no harm" for that is the danger of rash action. This is the lesson I've been struggling to learn for the last year and I still don't always get it, but at least I can now articulate it.