In the Garden of Mystic Lovers

Manifesting a bit of bliss-mind again on the way to work this morning (well afternoon technically). Still at it even. Not really sure what to make of that. I'm not sure I should try. If the zen advice is "when sitting just sit", etc., should I just go with the flow? When Blissing Just Bliss? Perhaps. There is a question that floats around in the background which wonders if there is a danger of nondual joy slipping into a more dangerous dualistic phenomenon, and how to tell the difference. But I'm just aware of this thought. I'm not really doing much about it. Part of me wonders if I'm being a bit reckless. I really don't know what I'm doing here. But then I'm also aware of the idea that that lack of training and lack of seeking is the key to why this is working for me in the first place. This seems awfully easy, and came on remarkably suddenly. It's not always there of course, but it has never been the titanic struggle that some texts suggest it should be. Then again, zen is the school of sudden realization isn't it?

Some other observations.

I have apparently become the kind of person who finds Live celebratory. Now why do I hesitate to use the word "inspirational?" Hello my Shadow. There you are. I see you. But I'm not going to do anything about it because you're fine just the way you are. When blissing just bliss.

The clouds outside my window look just like the opening of The Simpsons.

The life of my Self is very much in flux at the moment. It's been a rather eventful week. As Ferris Beuller said: "Life moves pretty fast". Well indeed that is the case at the moment. It's very much a present-in-flow and a future of possibilities rather than likelihoods, with all the thrilling anticipation and fear and buzz that goes along with it. Definitely surfing the rapids here. It's been a long year of samsaric bliss and terror and perhaps I'm primed for the detonations which have been coming with increasing regularity since December, and are now piling on top of one another. How many gestalt switches and plot twists can you pile on the head of a pin?

Back a bit more in this world now, but in a gentle way with a tendril still floating back to the nondual like an umbilical tether. Perhaps that the metaphor. This body is the space suit the nondual uses to walk in the dualistic world. The weird thing is that it comes back in waves. I can pull myself back into it sill if I try. The beginning of states turning into stages? Perhaps... I don't know, and it doesn't really matter does it? (Or does it? Hmm...)

Anyway, back to the flow. I've been here before, but it's been a while. A long while. Long enough for me to forget the feeling. No that's not right. I still remember the feeling because I know it now, but I had forgotten that I remembered it. There was a moment many years ago when the world was in flux and there was the thrill of being on the verge of something. The world was abundant and I was in love for the first time. Perhaps I can call this Toevening Mind. It's a voice I forgot I had. There is a thing I forgot about falling in love. We don't just fall in love with someone. When we truly fall for someone, we fall in love with the world as well. Everything is bliss. Even things that suck are wonderful, at least for a while.

Perhaps I'm falling for the world once again.

She says I, We, You, She,
In the garden of mystic lovers these are not true distinctions.
-Francis Dunnery

A Rhapsanghady of Zensations

I was pondering on that title all the way home, which entailed taking a bus, then the tube, then another bus! I'm sure there's an even better title to be had, but that will do I guess.

So I joined a zen sitting group tonight. Very small affair, run by a couple of students of the Kanzeon tradition out of their flat in North London. I had to be a little brave to actually go, but I stuck my neck out of my shell and took the plunge. This lovely couple invite people into their home every Thursday night for group sittings, and an "open sharing" after. No hiding here, this is intimate (5 people tonight... I guess sometimes it might be only three, or even just the two of them!)

Still, I was brave and showed up. There was a little awkwardness at the beginning, particularly as these people have had some proper Zen training and I'm sorta making it up as I go along with some guidance from whatever sources I can find. The kindest description of my practice is probably "freestyle". Though it's beginning to get a bit "enthusiastic" as well. At some point I would need to get some real teaching though, and indeed, I may try to seek it out when I get somewhere. Actually, there's a Sesshin in Liverpool at the end of the month which would probably be a lovely experience, but it's probably just not practical. Still... sigh. No. Really not practical.

Still, I do seem to find this Kanzeon tradition rather attractive. If we lived in Salt Lake City I could totally see myself jumping in with both feet.

Yikes... lot's of thoughts. Not much organization. They all want to bubble out at once and they've been bubbling under for hours now. Practice in a group is different. Hard to really describe, but the experience is more communal. I found the Big Heart voice was much stronger in the communal sitting than it is alone.

We did two 30 minute sittings with a short break in between. When we started I found myself a but nervous, which then blossomed into a brief flash of full on fear. Can I really do this? Will I embarrass myself? What if...? Thankfully, it was brief and I was able to quickly settle into the breath. Then I shifted to The Controller and asked for Non-Seeking-Non-Grasping Mind. This is probably the quietest of the nondual voices I've found so far. It's a bit hard to tell it's there sometimes actually, but it's probably the best for Shikantaza (as Genpo Roshi says, "Just Sit"). So since I'm just sitting and not judging (or trying not to) it's a little hard to tell if I'm there at the beginning, but the shift back to The Controller if VERY obvious. The contraction literally feels like a clamp or metal band closes around my head.

So back to just sitting, and this works quite well. Indeed I was actually quite on during the first sitting. I just sat for quite a while, noticing thoughts, sounds (bodies are loud!). The other people in the room start to fade in my peripheral vision, taking on a semi-transparent look. I have a spontaneous memory of sitting in the back yard alone when I was 12 and looking through my telescope at the Hercules globular cluster on a cool summer night and just staring at it for ages. I was still a bit afraid of the dark, but the sky was so quiet and peaceful. That combination of thrill and peace back again. The carpet starts to get a wobbly look like a piece of paper in a breeze. (My eyes aren't moving much, so these may be effects of retinal nerves getting bored.) Then I notice the body feels stiff like stone. Hey cool, I'm a Stone Buddha!

Then I tried some other voices. The Way. Big Mind. Big Heart.... Woah! There's the buzz! It's an electric feeling like putting your tongue on a 9-volt battery. Suddenly I love these 5 complete strangers in the room with me. 5 strangers? Yes: who is this person who's eyes I'm using to see? Doesn't matter, he's lovely, as are all these other people just sitting here in the room, with their tummy burbles and transparent bodies. Oh and the carpet is lovely. And that car driving by outside is nice too. I notice my mouth is moving of its own accord. It's turning into that mysterious little smile that you see on Buddha statues. You know, the one that sits on Mona Lisa's face. Wow. That is unexpected. I am Mona Lisa's Enigmatic Smile!

etc... etc... etc...

The sharing was again scary, I now have to talk and share... So I express gratitude and joyousness. And I also explain that I am beginning to see the benefits of surrender, which does not come easy to me. I don't usually let go.

I did once though. Again, like tonight, under the influence of too little sleep I let go and took that backward step into surrender. Early one morning, really early... about 4AM or so... in an open field on another cool summer night nearly 15 years ago I uncharacteristically let go of reason and Stepped Off. And my heart sings with gratitude that I did.

And I'm Free.... Free Fallin'

Integral Asymmetry

One of the interesting things I'm discovering about trying to "think integral" is that it requires a certain acceptance of intellectual patience, for lack of a better word. The whole point is to try and look for and acknowledge and integrate the truth of as many different philosophies and disciplines as possible; to be as progressive and as inclusive and open-minded as possible. But the fact is that many (probably most) of the disciplines you try to integrate are unlikely to return the favor. More than likely you have to filter out a lot of intellectual snobbery, conservative exclusivity, xenophobic prejudice and the like to gather the nuggets of truth.

So case in point, the teacher of my meditation class has been a practicing Buddhist for 20+ years, but says he has essentially no knowledge of the teachings of any other tradition than his own. No other religions, no other flavours of Buddhism, not even any other Tibetan sects other than the Kadampa sect in which he studies. To me this seems like an astonishing lack of intellectual curiosity to say the least. As a side effect, while he sees his own tradition as very pure and "very white," (ouch! my inner green sure winced at that choice of wording!) he implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) casts dispersions on other practices. This tradition has worked for thousands of years, and it works for him. Great, but I'm amazed that its never occurred to him to wonder if there is any Dharma with a different pedigree. Plus there is a serious retro-romantic flavour to this sect as well. He started the class by discouraging the use of some of the 'new' meditative practices. (As I quietly ask The Controller to grant me access to Non-Seeking-Non-Grasping Mind. (: 0 ).

Anyway, it was an interesting class. We actually learned a meditation this week. Its a strange breathing exercise which, among other things, reminds me of the Monty Python sketch about the "man with a tape recorder up his nose." It's supposed to be useful for settling the mind when it's addled, which I can believe, as it's relatively complicated and requires a bit of concentration just to keep track of which nostril you're supposed to breathe through at which time and breaking your exhalation into three equal parts and visualizing three channels going over your head and down your back, etc...

Just plunk that down in the tool chest and roll on to zazen tomorrow night.

Tar Baby

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

–"The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear" from Dune, by Frank Herbert

Sigh.

The waiting continues and the tension thickens. Avoiding the sticky tar baby in the briar patch is becoming progressively more difficult and more and more effort is required to maintain focus. Thin envelopes have, not unexpectedly, started to trickle into my inbox. It's a measure of the relative situations of the astronomy job market in the UK and the US that I was shortlisted for three of the six UK positions I applied for, but so far only one of the 17 or so US positions.

Part of the problem is that I'm aware of the fact that much bigger tar creatures are potentially looming ahead, and indeed not necessarily avoidable. This is of course nothing new really. Suffering is always looming isn't it? Certainly without Right Thought and Right View and Right Action, etc... The Crunch is always lurking somewhere.

Meditation does help some. Indeed I've taken to using it quite a bit to try and maintain focus and stay productive. Still it doesn't always work, particularly when I get tired. (And of course tired doesn't always imply sleepiness. If only! Ah well, perhaps this would be easier if I was more practiced. Or perhaps not. I guess the "right view" would be who cares?

Anyway, I'm looking at trying to join a weekly Zazen group as well as the meditation classes Sunshine & I have been taking (which, among other things, are surprisingly light on the actual meditation). Supplement, supplement, supplement. Sunshine went to the evening mass at the local baptist church this weekend. She seemed to sorta enjoy it. My aren't we becoming quite the dabblers? All in the name of "getting integral" right? Plus, neither of us can manage to put together much of a "body module" at the moment, so we might as well push on "contemplation." I'm sure some shadow work would be in order too, but resources are tight at the moment in just about every way imaginable. So we take it a bit at a time.

Man, this is a rambling entry. I didn't have much of a focus in mind. It's really just an activity to keep my brain occupied on the train home. I'm not nearly good enough that I can meditate on the Tube yet, and I'm a little concerned about what my 'self' might get up to if I just let it wander aimlessly at the moment.

I think I may be developing a taste for dub reggae. I downloaded a reggae collection from iTunes the other day called Jonny Greenwood is the Controller, which is a collection of music from the Trojan music label compiled by Radiohead's creative "multi-instrumentalist" Jonny Greenwood, who has turned himself into a sort of musical jack-of-all-trades. Anyway, he seems to have pretty good musical tastes.

Rather rainy day today, Of course it's February in England, what do I expect?

Random, random, random....

My stop is approaching...

It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion.

Karma at Pooh Corner

Blogging on the train again.
Class was moved at the last minute tonight to a venue around the corner: Pooh Corner Kindergarten. The room is actually quite surprisingly large for central London; it's a converted church basement. (The ground floor seems to have been converted to some sort of NHS clinic. Anyway, the whole session was running about a half hour late due to the switch.

A smaller group than last week, but including the more interesting regulars. There's a guy with a voice that sounds rather like Russel Crowe. He has a bit of that air of barely civilized violence that comes across with him as well. Then there is the quiet Peruvian lady with the Borders bag. And, most entertainingly, the two ladies who remind me of a somewhat more wholesome version of the Ab Fab women; with yoga and meditation replacing the booze and fashion.

Tonight was about Karma, and I'm afraid I have to agree with Sunshine that this is probably not a perfect fit for us. Certainly I'm beginning to see that they are a little too heavy on the metaphysical literalism for my taste. I don't know if it's just these teachers, or their Kadmpa order, or maybe Tibetan Buddhism in general. Still, it's an interesting experience, and I'm perhaps becoming a little more forgiving of the overtly religious, at least in certain settings. I'm a bit skeptical of "karmic action at a distance" which is certainly how they were discussing it tonight, but I can perhaps see how to integrate much of the idea of karma without having to invoke anything too magic. Something running more along the lines of unkind practice leaving you susceptible to suffering. I think I could see that, but sickness now caused by bad deeds in the past seems harder for me to accept.

Brian May

So apparently Brian May, better known as the guitarist for Queen, is back at Imperial College as a grad student to finish his PhD in Astrophysics. I'd heard this rumor a while ago, but now he's on the face board next to the staff mailboxes on the 10th floor. However I notice he's not listed in on department website nor do I think he's been assigned office space, and I somehow doubt he'll be doing much TA work. Still there are not many astrophysics groups/departments who get do count a genuine rock god amongst their number. I have no idea who he's working with as Peter says his old faculty advisor left years ago.

Dharma Train

Blogging on the tube again. Taking a late train back to Harrow after attending my second Buddhist meditation class. After each class there is a short informal chat over tea. Tonight, one of the topics of discussion was how to maintain these ideas in the harsh reality of the workplace, where people are much more likely to be harsh, angry, etc. Certainly I've had some experiences with this and hard as it is, I do think mindfulness helps. It's just not always easy to be mindful when the world is digging at you and goading you to contract.

My own source of contraction at the moment is fear. It continues to crop up as 'job season' moves from ripe to rot and I haven't yet been harvested. I really hate the process of applying for jobs. It really is exactly the sort of thing that is almost perfectly designed to shred the soul. First, there is the unavoidable statistical fact: most of the people in my position who have trained and worked for years to get a position in astronomy, don't. Most of us will run out at some point and run aground. There just aren't enough chairs and someone gets left behind. That leaving behind stings. It's hard not to take it personally. After all you are the product you were trying to sell and you were what they didn't want.

So you spend your time writing these applications, and spend your money to send them out, knowing that 90% won't even result in an interview. Then when you get shortlisted, it just ups the stakes. Now you feel like you have a shot, but you have to apply even harder. To succeed, you really have to see yourself in that position because if you don't, they won't either. But in that visualization attachment is so easy, which just makes it sting all the worse when they turn you down. It's the job that you thought you really might get that hurts the most when you don't.

Meanwhile the pressure is still there from all the other sources, and it's ever so easy to get lost in the craziness. It's so easy to contract into the fear, and the juggling act, and the rejection. And in that contraction come all the shadows projected from your fear into the world. You can see enemies and competition and missed opportunities everywhere. Staying positive and mindful in the midst of this is not easy.

I keep having to try and come back to probably the wisest thing that my thesis advisor Rob Fesen ever taught me (and he taught me quite a lot of really important things that I've only really come to appreciate many years later). Quite early in my career as a grad student at Dartmouth he told me that what we do is a privilege. It is a truly remarkable thing that we get supported to just look at the universe and think about it and tell people what we think we see. We don't produce anything pictures and the stories that go with those pictures. And that fascination with the cosmos is what pays my rent. But it's a privilege that doesn't come with any guarantees. So enjoy it while it lasts.

That's good advice. It's just hard to hold on to that wisdom when faced with the potential death of a lifestyle to which one has become accustomed. It hurts to lose something cherished. But focusing on the joy while it lasts for however long it lasts is really the only sensible answer. Anything else is just going to make you unhappy and won't change the outcome anyway. So keep the faith, where the faith is not hope for the future, but joy in the now. Enjoy it now, the future will come regardless. Enjoy that when it's the present.