So I joined a zen sitting group tonight. Very small affair, run by a couple of students of the Kanzeon tradition out of their flat in North London. I had to be a little brave to actually go, but I stuck my neck out of my shell and took the plunge. This lovely couple invite people into their home every Thursday night for group sittings, and an "open sharing" after. No hiding here, this is intimate (5 people tonight... I guess sometimes it might be only three, or even just the two of them!)
Still, I was brave and showed up. There was a little awkwardness at the beginning, particularly as these people have had some proper Zen training and I'm sorta making it up as I go along with some guidance from whatever sources I can find. The kindest description of my practice is probably "freestyle". Though it's beginning to get a bit "enthusiastic" as well. At some point I would need to get some real teaching though, and indeed, I may try to seek it out when I get somewhere. Actually, there's a Sesshin in Liverpool at the end of the month which would probably be a lovely experience, but it's probably just not practical. Still... sigh. No. Really not practical.
Still, I do seem to find this Kanzeon tradition rather attractive. If we lived in Salt Lake City I could totally see myself jumping in with both feet.
Yikes... lot's of thoughts. Not much organization. They all want to bubble out at once and they've been bubbling under for hours now. Practice in a group is different. Hard to really describe, but the experience is more communal. I found the Big Heart voice was much stronger in the communal sitting than it is alone.
We did two 30 minute sittings with a short break in between. When we started I found myself a but nervous, which then blossomed into a brief flash of full on fear. Can I really do this? Will I embarrass myself? What if...? Thankfully, it was brief and I was able to quickly settle into the breath. Then I shifted to The Controller and asked for Non-Seeking-Non-Grasping Mind. This is probably the quietest of the nondual voices I've found so far. It's a bit hard to tell it's there sometimes actually, but it's probably the best for Shikantaza (as Genpo Roshi says, "Just Sit"). So since I'm just sitting and not judging (or trying not to) it's a little hard to tell if I'm there at the beginning, but the shift back to The Controller if VERY obvious. The contraction literally feels like a clamp or metal band closes around my head.
So back to just sitting, and this works quite well. Indeed I was actually quite on during the first sitting. I just sat for quite a while, noticing thoughts, sounds (bodies are loud!). The other people in the room start to fade in my peripheral vision, taking on a semi-transparent look. I have a spontaneous memory of sitting in the back yard alone when I was 12 and looking through my telescope at the Hercules globular cluster on a cool summer night and just staring at it for ages. I was still a bit afraid of the dark, but the sky was so quiet and peaceful. That combination of thrill and peace back again. The carpet starts to get a wobbly look like a piece of paper in a breeze. (My eyes aren't moving much, so these may be effects of retinal nerves getting bored.) Then I notice the body feels stiff like stone. Hey cool, I'm a Stone Buddha!
Then I tried some other voices. The Way. Big Mind. Big Heart.... Woah! There's the buzz! It's an electric feeling like putting your tongue on a 9-volt battery. Suddenly I love these 5 complete strangers in the room with me. 5 strangers? Yes: who is this person who's eyes I'm using to see? Doesn't matter, he's lovely, as are all these other people just sitting here in the room, with their tummy burbles and transparent bodies. Oh and the carpet is lovely. And that car driving by outside is nice too. I notice my mouth is moving of its own accord. It's turning into that mysterious little smile that you see on Buddha statues. You know, the one that sits on Mona Lisa's face. Wow. That is unexpected. I am Mona Lisa's Enigmatic Smile!
etc... etc... etc...
The sharing was again scary, I now have to talk and share... So I express gratitude and joyousness. And I also explain that I am beginning to see the benefits of surrender, which does not come easy to me. I don't usually let go.
I did once though. Again, like tonight, under the influence of too little sleep I let go and took that backward step into surrender. Early one morning, really early... about 4AM or so... in an open field on another cool summer night nearly 15 years ago I uncharacteristically let go of reason and Stepped Off. And my heart sings with gratitude that I did.
And I'm Free.... Free Fallin'
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