One of the interesting things I'm discovering about trying to "think integral" is that it requires a certain acceptance of intellectual patience, for lack of a better word. The whole point is to try and look for and acknowledge and integrate the truth of as many different philosophies and disciplines as possible; to be as progressive and as inclusive and open-minded as possible. But the fact is that many (probably most) of the disciplines you try to integrate are unlikely to return the favor. More than likely you have to filter out a lot of intellectual snobbery, conservative exclusivity, xenophobic prejudice and the like to gather the nuggets of truth.
So case in point, the teacher of my meditation class has been a practicing Buddhist for 20+ years, but says he has essentially no knowledge of the teachings of any other tradition than his own. No other religions, no other flavours of Buddhism, not even any other Tibetan sects other than the Kadampa sect in which he studies. To me this seems like an astonishing lack of intellectual curiosity to say the least. As a side effect, while he sees his own tradition as very pure and "very white," (ouch! my inner green sure winced at that choice of wording!) he implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) casts dispersions on other practices. This tradition has worked for thousands of years, and it works for him. Great, but I'm amazed that its never occurred to him to wonder if there is any Dharma with a different pedigree. Plus there is a serious retro-romantic flavour to this sect as well. He started the class by discouraging the use of some of the 'new' meditative practices. (As I quietly ask The Controller to grant me access to Non-Seeking-Non-Grasping Mind. (: 0 ).
Anyway, it was an interesting class. We actually learned a meditation this week. Its a strange breathing exercise which, among other things, reminds me of the Monty Python sketch about the "man with a tape recorder up his nose." It's supposed to be useful for settling the mind when it's addled, which I can believe, as it's relatively complicated and requires a bit of concentration just to keep track of which nostril you're supposed to breathe through at which time and breaking your exhalation into three equal parts and visualizing three channels going over your head and down your back, etc...
Just plunk that down in the tool chest and roll on to zazen tomorrow night.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Tar Baby
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
–"The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear" from Dune, by Frank Herbert
Sigh.
The waiting continues and the tension thickens. Avoiding the sticky tar baby in the briar patch is becoming progressively more difficult and more and more effort is required to maintain focus. Thin envelopes have, not unexpectedly, started to trickle into my inbox. It's a measure of the relative situations of the astronomy job market in the UK and the US that I was shortlisted for three of the six UK positions I applied for, but so far only one of the 17 or so US positions.
Part of the problem is that I'm aware of the fact that much bigger tar creatures are potentially looming ahead, and indeed not necessarily avoidable. This is of course nothing new really. Suffering is always looming isn't it? Certainly without Right Thought and Right View and Right Action, etc... The Crunch is always lurking somewhere.
Meditation does help some. Indeed I've taken to using it quite a bit to try and maintain focus and stay productive. Still it doesn't always work, particularly when I get tired. (And of course tired doesn't always imply sleepiness. If only! Ah well, perhaps this would be easier if I was more practiced. Or perhaps not. I guess the "right view" would be who cares?
Anyway, I'm looking at trying to join a weekly Zazen group as well as the meditation classes Sunshine & I have been taking (which, among other things, are surprisingly light on the actual meditation). Supplement, supplement, supplement. Sunshine went to the evening mass at the local baptist church this weekend. She seemed to sorta enjoy it. My aren't we becoming quite the dabblers? All in the name of "getting integral" right? Plus, neither of us can manage to put together much of a "body module" at the moment, so we might as well push on "contemplation." I'm sure some shadow work would be in order too, but resources are tight at the moment in just about every way imaginable. So we take it a bit at a time.
Man, this is a rambling entry. I didn't have much of a focus in mind. It's really just an activity to keep my brain occupied on the train home. I'm not nearly good enough that I can meditate on the Tube yet, and I'm a little concerned about what my 'self' might get up to if I just let it wander aimlessly at the moment.
I think I may be developing a taste for dub reggae. I downloaded a reggae collection from iTunes the other day called Jonny Greenwood is the Controller, which is a collection of music from the Trojan music label compiled by Radiohead's creative "multi-instrumentalist" Jonny Greenwood, who has turned himself into a sort of musical jack-of-all-trades. Anyway, he seems to have pretty good musical tastes.
Rather rainy day today, Of course it's February in England, what do I expect?
Random, random, random....
My stop is approaching...
It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Karma at Pooh Corner
Blogging on the train again.
Class was moved at the last minute tonight to a venue around the corner: Pooh Corner Kindergarten. The room is actually quite surprisingly large for central London; it's a converted church basement. (The ground floor seems to have been converted to some sort of NHS clinic. Anyway, the whole session was running about a half hour late due to the switch.
A smaller group than last week, but including the more interesting regulars. There's a guy with a voice that sounds rather like Russel Crowe. He has a bit of that air of barely civilized violence that comes across with him as well. Then there is the quiet Peruvian lady with the Borders bag. And, most entertainingly, the two ladies who remind me of a somewhat more wholesome version of the Ab Fab women; with yoga and meditation replacing the booze and fashion.
Tonight was about Karma, and I'm afraid I have to agree with Sunshine that this is probably not a perfect fit for us. Certainly I'm beginning to see that they are a little too heavy on the metaphysical literalism for my taste. I don't know if it's just these teachers, or their Kadmpa order, or maybe Tibetan Buddhism in general. Still, it's an interesting experience, and I'm perhaps becoming a little more forgiving of the overtly religious, at least in certain settings. I'm a bit skeptical of "karmic action at a distance" which is certainly how they were discussing it tonight, but I can perhaps see how to integrate much of the idea of karma without having to invoke anything too magic. Something running more along the lines of unkind practice leaving you susceptible to suffering. I think I could see that, but sickness now caused by bad deeds in the past seems harder for me to accept.
Class was moved at the last minute tonight to a venue around the corner: Pooh Corner Kindergarten. The room is actually quite surprisingly large for central London; it's a converted church basement. (The ground floor seems to have been converted to some sort of NHS clinic. Anyway, the whole session was running about a half hour late due to the switch.
A smaller group than last week, but including the more interesting regulars. There's a guy with a voice that sounds rather like Russel Crowe. He has a bit of that air of barely civilized violence that comes across with him as well. Then there is the quiet Peruvian lady with the Borders bag. And, most entertainingly, the two ladies who remind me of a somewhat more wholesome version of the Ab Fab women; with yoga and meditation replacing the booze and fashion.
Tonight was about Karma, and I'm afraid I have to agree with Sunshine that this is probably not a perfect fit for us. Certainly I'm beginning to see that they are a little too heavy on the metaphysical literalism for my taste. I don't know if it's just these teachers, or their Kadmpa order, or maybe Tibetan Buddhism in general. Still, it's an interesting experience, and I'm perhaps becoming a little more forgiving of the overtly religious, at least in certain settings. I'm a bit skeptical of "karmic action at a distance" which is certainly how they were discussing it tonight, but I can perhaps see how to integrate much of the idea of karma without having to invoke anything too magic. Something running more along the lines of unkind practice leaving you susceptible to suffering. I think I could see that, but sickness now caused by bad deeds in the past seems harder for me to accept.
Brian May
So apparently Brian May, better known as the guitarist for Queen, is back at Imperial College as a grad student to finish his PhD in Astrophysics. I'd heard this rumor a while ago, but now he's on the face board next to the staff mailboxes on the 10th floor. However I notice he's not listed in on department website nor do I think he's been assigned office space, and I somehow doubt he'll be doing much TA work. Still there are not many astrophysics groups/departments who get do count a genuine rock god amongst their number. I have no idea who he's working with as Peter says his old faculty advisor left years ago.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Dharma Train
Blogging on the tube again. Taking a late train back to Harrow after attending my second Buddhist meditation class. After each class there is a short informal chat over tea. Tonight, one of the topics of discussion was how to maintain these ideas in the harsh reality of the workplace, where people are much more likely to be harsh, angry, etc. Certainly I've had some experiences with this and hard as it is, I do think mindfulness helps. It's just not always easy to be mindful when the world is digging at you and goading you to contract.
My own source of contraction at the moment is fear. It continues to crop up as 'job season' moves from ripe to rot and I haven't yet been harvested. I really hate the process of applying for jobs. It really is exactly the sort of thing that is almost perfectly designed to shred the soul. First, there is the unavoidable statistical fact: most of the people in my position who have trained and worked for years to get a position in astronomy, don't. Most of us will run out at some point and run aground. There just aren't enough chairs and someone gets left behind. That leaving behind stings. It's hard not to take it personally. After all you are the product you were trying to sell and you were what they didn't want.
So you spend your time writing these applications, and spend your money to send them out, knowing that 90% won't even result in an interview. Then when you get shortlisted, it just ups the stakes. Now you feel like you have a shot, but you have to apply even harder. To succeed, you really have to see yourself in that position because if you don't, they won't either. But in that visualization attachment is so easy, which just makes it sting all the worse when they turn you down. It's the job that you thought you really might get that hurts the most when you don't.
Meanwhile the pressure is still there from all the other sources, and it's ever so easy to get lost in the craziness. It's so easy to contract into the fear, and the juggling act, and the rejection. And in that contraction come all the shadows projected from your fear into the world. You can see enemies and competition and missed opportunities everywhere. Staying positive and mindful in the midst of this is not easy.
I keep having to try and come back to probably the wisest thing that my thesis advisor Rob Fesen ever taught me (and he taught me quite a lot of really important things that I've only really come to appreciate many years later). Quite early in my career as a grad student at Dartmouth he told me that what we do is a privilege. It is a truly remarkable thing that we get supported to just look at the universe and think about it and tell people what we think we see. We don't produce anything pictures and the stories that go with those pictures. And that fascination with the cosmos is what pays my rent. But it's a privilege that doesn't come with any guarantees. So enjoy it while it lasts.
That's good advice. It's just hard to hold on to that wisdom when faced with the potential death of a lifestyle to which one has become accustomed. It hurts to lose something cherished. But focusing on the joy while it lasts for however long it lasts is really the only sensible answer. Anything else is just going to make you unhappy and won't change the outcome anyway. So keep the faith, where the faith is not hope for the future, but joy in the now. Enjoy it now, the future will come regardless. Enjoy that when it's the present.
My own source of contraction at the moment is fear. It continues to crop up as 'job season' moves from ripe to rot and I haven't yet been harvested. I really hate the process of applying for jobs. It really is exactly the sort of thing that is almost perfectly designed to shred the soul. First, there is the unavoidable statistical fact: most of the people in my position who have trained and worked for years to get a position in astronomy, don't. Most of us will run out at some point and run aground. There just aren't enough chairs and someone gets left behind. That leaving behind stings. It's hard not to take it personally. After all you are the product you were trying to sell and you were what they didn't want.
So you spend your time writing these applications, and spend your money to send them out, knowing that 90% won't even result in an interview. Then when you get shortlisted, it just ups the stakes. Now you feel like you have a shot, but you have to apply even harder. To succeed, you really have to see yourself in that position because if you don't, they won't either. But in that visualization attachment is so easy, which just makes it sting all the worse when they turn you down. It's the job that you thought you really might get that hurts the most when you don't.
Meanwhile the pressure is still there from all the other sources, and it's ever so easy to get lost in the craziness. It's so easy to contract into the fear, and the juggling act, and the rejection. And in that contraction come all the shadows projected from your fear into the world. You can see enemies and competition and missed opportunities everywhere. Staying positive and mindful in the midst of this is not easy.
I keep having to try and come back to probably the wisest thing that my thesis advisor Rob Fesen ever taught me (and he taught me quite a lot of really important things that I've only really come to appreciate many years later). Quite early in my career as a grad student at Dartmouth he told me that what we do is a privilege. It is a truly remarkable thing that we get supported to just look at the universe and think about it and tell people what we think we see. We don't produce anything pictures and the stories that go with those pictures. And that fascination with the cosmos is what pays my rent. But it's a privilege that doesn't come with any guarantees. So enjoy it while it lasts.
That's good advice. It's just hard to hold on to that wisdom when faced with the potential death of a lifestyle to which one has become accustomed. It hurts to lose something cherished. But focusing on the joy while it lasts for however long it lasts is really the only sensible answer. Anything else is just going to make you unhappy and won't change the outcome anyway. So keep the faith, where the faith is not hope for the future, but joy in the now. Enjoy it now, the future will come regardless. Enjoy that when it's the present.
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